the wrong skills for the right output

I learned to act normal on my own because I couldn’t get any help with it.  I started reading  books on social skills in high school.  I studied how normal people think and act in college and in graduate school.

After eleven years, I was able to sustain casual conversation.  I do this by knowing the general format, having a mental library of stock responses, reflecting others’ emotions, and constantly monitoring myself and the other person.

I’m 30 now.  I can read emotions and intentions, but it’s hard to figure out what I’m supposed to acknowledge and respond to, what I’m supposed to respond to and not acknowledge, and what I’m supposed to do when they conflict.

This is intensely effortful, and it is not sustainable.  I want a workable compromise that is sustainable for me and for the people I interact with. I don’t know how to negotiate this.

I’ve asked for help in therapy many times, but the effort I put into social interactions is not visible and the anxiety I have over having to do that day after day without help is very visible.

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I don’t have an autism spectrum diagnosis, or any other social-skills-related diagnosis. Several family members and friends have tried to convince me that I have Asperger’s.  I don’t think I meet the criteria and it is getting harder and harder to deal with having my experiences and concerns ignored.

I do have a bipolar diagnosis and an ADHD diagnosis and take medication for both.  They are very helpful.  Stimulants make it easier for me to follow conversation because I miss fewer chunks of it, but they don’t give me the ability to process social interactions normally.

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